Pieces of Me

It's very hard to find courage within yourself to pursue your own dreams. Actually, its hard to do this more often than not. Many forces work against us: jobs, bills, time, and distance just to mention a few. However, there are people in this world who absolutely make you feel like you can do anything. Those are the people to seek out in life, and surround yourself with to make your dreams come to life. But is it really that simple? Find some people that smile all the time, and stroke your ego till no end and all will be right with the world? No, I don't think so.

There are these "people" who are few and far between, and aren't the typical chat-you-up schmo. You find a deeper connection with them immediately. You feed off of each others energy in a way like no other and are both equally satisfied. You just "click". Their innate encouragement is somehow different from the equally appreciated pat on the back from Mom and Dad, or the kind words from you best friend. On paper you could hardly know this person. They could be an acquaintance that every time you run in to a jolt of confidence and power, surge through your veins, and suddenly you've just run in to your long-lost cousin! In a way, you are never the same after meeting them. Something about their existence isn't real though. They seem to embody perfection, but are always at an arms length. You can try and get to know them, and break through the shiny exterior but you'll never make any progress. The connection you hold is instantaneous, and instantly fleeting at the same time. We've all heard people say that: "You never REALLY know anyone," but I don't believe that is true at all.

I don't have many girl friends. I actually don't have many friends at all. But the friends I do have, have each given me this feeling. The feeling of being connected to another human being; of being accepted. They make me feel like I can do anything. Instead of seeing something tattered and worn, they see something sparkling and brand new. At least that is the way they make me feel. At the same time though, my girlfriends are so different from myself, or the person I think I am on a day-to-day basis. Seeing myself through their eyes makes me feel good, and special, but in comparing ourselves to each other we couldn't be more different. In the past I have been entranced by those people who I felt instantly comforted by, only to realize there was a brick wall between us. Sometimes the best connections are those from the people whom at times feel vastly different from ourselves- but are they really?

I have always been curious and slightly put off by the person who has an overflowing abundance of "friends". I believe that all relationships- friendship in particular take work. As we grow older distance and many other circumstances will push our friends farther and farther away. It is up to us to maintain these friendships through correspondence and from time to time put aside our own lives to hear about someone else's. With countless friends how do you possibly keep those relationships at a viable existence? And without a viable existence what is the point of having such a plethora of friends? I don't have this problem. I have a handful of remarkable women whom I call real friends. I have carefully selected them like ripe produce from the vine. Pristine, colorful and radiant; all unique from each other, and from me. So what brings us together? Why do we get along so well? The Answer: We are all pieces of each other. They are all, pieces of me.

When I moved to Houston it was an absolute whirlwind. The months leading up to my departure were all so surreal. I was just going on a little trip, and everything else would stay the same: the people I loved, the places I used to go...but not really. The difference would be that I wouldn't be there. I had needed to make a break for it for a long time, and leaving New York wasn't sad at all; at least not at the time. I always thought the people in my life needed me. I worried about my family and friends (my mother in particular, because she happens to be my best friend of all), and thought about how their lives would be different with me not there. Would they care? Would they miss me? Would they find a pseudo "Kim" to take my place? I look back on these thoughts and realize how extremely narcissistic they are. I'm appalled by myself and my arrogant thoughts. Not once did I contemplate how I would feel not having them. Now that things have slowed down a bit I can no longer deny the constant feeling of emptiness that is with me.

As humans we are always striving toward self-actualization. It is a life-long mission to find ourselves through our work, hobbies, places we live, places we visit, food we eat etc. For me its always been about looking outward; beyond my roots and connections I was born into and making something of my own. Redefinition for definition always seems to be the end goal. I am not sure where this desire to have something just for me resonates from, and in reality its no doubt a bit selfish. I never thought that anyone could help me find myself. Understanding who I am, and my place amongst my surroundings has always been a one-woman battle. Now, I am starting to realize it's ok to look to family and friends in hope of catching their reflection. We are all such complex individuals, with complex minds and desires. The world is so big and awesome that we are often overwhelmed by its pure existence. There are so many possibilities how do we decide what we want to make of it all? Since leaving home, and all the people I care about most I finally see the bigger picture. I have spent years looking past everything that made me me in search of something that was right in front of me the whole time. My family of course, but my friends more so now- they are what make me special and complete.

I may not have the time to be everything I dream about being, but through them and their lives I feel fulfilled. We are blossoming in different ways and its a beautiful thing to see.