Life: Full Force

I am now, one year into my engagement and truly beginning to plan my wedding. It was never the plan to have a long engagement, but it is definitely my style. Why? I am the queen of multi-tasking, but like any other human- I simply get run down. Life takes its toll on you whether you like it or not, and it is up to you to keep on going. So amidst all the multi-tasking comes prioritizing as well. Not having a minute to sit down, or think clearly takes a toll on your ability to coherently plan the biggest day of your life.

We moved to Houston 8 months ago, and things are finally starting to feel normal. I have always been a non-traditional gal, but everyday I feel myself becoming more and more the career woman by day, and come evening domestic goddess. I work a 45 hour week at the office, and still manage to plan my errands, work-out regime, and try new recipes every week. Now- one more thing... Wedding Plans. How do we women do it? I tell ya, I love my fiance Sam dearly, but I don't think that men will ever understand how much work a woman does for her family. History tells us that men are the breadwinners and still even today with as many working moms as there are, we are the ones working two shifts. When men come home it seems their day has ended. Envision: drop keys by door, remove shoes, dump pockets on kitchen counter, change to mesh shorts, plop on couch. Every day, like clockwork.

While some girls have been planning their wedding their whole lives, I am probably just the opposite. I am approaching this situation like anything else. Cool, calm and collected. Top priority- Logistics. They matter people. It is simply how I run my whole life. This is the Type A of my personality that has not only bloomed in my adulthood, but taken on a life of its own! So I say take one thing at a time, pause, take a breath and tackle next project. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who thinks this way? Am I the only one who thinks about grocery lists, home improvement projects, Christmas shopping, up-coming birthdays, and important dates, planning vacation, and when the dogs are due for a bath all in one day? Is it me that is crazy or is that just Life coming at you Full Force? So with a wedding thrown in there you can see how crazy things are bound to get.

I refuse to be that crazy Bride. I will not. I cannot, because if I know my sister she will deliver a startling blow to some part of my body to make me SNAP OUT OF IT! I am truly excited about planning my big day- I am excited about marrying the man of my dreams and embarking on the life I always wanted. But I am a realist- and with that vow to embrace the chaos! Bring it on! Every day is a challenge, but each day I make progress and become better and better at this balancing act. I know I can do it.... and so can you!

Rise and Shine: It's Time to Grocery Shop

Where are most people on Sunday mornings at 8 AM? Probably sleeping. Maybe at church, or enjoying the paper with a fresh brewed cup of coffee. So many possibilities all of relaxed, enjoyable and serene nature.

Not me. I am not at home enjoying eggs benedict or any other savory snack. I am in grocery shopping bliss!

One of my least favorite activities is doing a full blown trip to the market. We live in a day and age where everything is go, go, GO! Because of this, there are limited times during the week when I have the time or energy to pull it off without going ballistic. I used to think getting my shopping done after work was a great idea. I was wrong. After a full day of work, and with a mind that is used and dried up you cannot possibly make wise food choices, or even focus long enough to realize what items you need to actually make a complete meal. What was I thinking? "I am already tired, so if I can get through this, and get it done I won't have to spend any part of my weekend doing this horrendous chore." More often than not I ended up with a splitting headache and my patience completely shot. I'd trudge upstairs with as many bags slung over each arm as I could possibly manage; plastic cutting into my skin. With another 20 minutes to put away the groceries I might as well put my pajamas on and go straight to bed.

Saturdays are also out of the question for grocery shopping. Everyone and their brother, sister, mother, father, boss and neighbor are out shopping. Whether its for shoes, or food they are there. Every store! Packed like a busy bar, shoulder to shoulder or cart to cart you can't fricken move! Every which way you turn there is a person, a child, an elder, a cart blocking an entire aisle or all of it at once! The mayhem is unreal. UNREAL!

I just can't bare to put myself through that hell any longer. So while most people think: "I'd rather sleep in on Sunday mornings," I prefer to breeze through the aisles of Wal-mart Super Center, Randall's, Whole Foods, or HEB- whichever I choose! It doesn't matter, the store is virtually deserted. No screaming children, no slow as molasses geriatrics, no spills in Aisle 6 to watch out for. Just me on a mission.

By the time I am finished, more and more people are awake and trickling in to the open doors. It's my cue to wrap it up and get the hell out of dodge. In an hour flat I have accomplished what would normally take me two. I know this seems like such a trivial adjustment. After all its so obvious. For me, it is something that not only alleviates unnecessary stress, hassle and outrage, but brings me peace.

Pieces of Me

It's very hard to find courage within yourself to pursue your own dreams. Actually, its hard to do this more often than not. Many forces work against us: jobs, bills, time, and distance just to mention a few. However, there are people in this world who absolutely make you feel like you can do anything. Those are the people to seek out in life, and surround yourself with to make your dreams come to life. But is it really that simple? Find some people that smile all the time, and stroke your ego till no end and all will be right with the world? No, I don't think so.

There are these "people" who are few and far between, and aren't the typical chat-you-up schmo. You find a deeper connection with them immediately. You feed off of each others energy in a way like no other and are both equally satisfied. You just "click". Their innate encouragement is somehow different from the equally appreciated pat on the back from Mom and Dad, or the kind words from you best friend. On paper you could hardly know this person. They could be an acquaintance that every time you run in to a jolt of confidence and power, surge through your veins, and suddenly you've just run in to your long-lost cousin! In a way, you are never the same after meeting them. Something about their existence isn't real though. They seem to embody perfection, but are always at an arms length. You can try and get to know them, and break through the shiny exterior but you'll never make any progress. The connection you hold is instantaneous, and instantly fleeting at the same time. We've all heard people say that: "You never REALLY know anyone," but I don't believe that is true at all.

I don't have many girl friends. I actually don't have many friends at all. But the friends I do have, have each given me this feeling. The feeling of being connected to another human being; of being accepted. They make me feel like I can do anything. Instead of seeing something tattered and worn, they see something sparkling and brand new. At least that is the way they make me feel. At the same time though, my girlfriends are so different from myself, or the person I think I am on a day-to-day basis. Seeing myself through their eyes makes me feel good, and special, but in comparing ourselves to each other we couldn't be more different. In the past I have been entranced by those people who I felt instantly comforted by, only to realize there was a brick wall between us. Sometimes the best connections are those from the people whom at times feel vastly different from ourselves- but are they really?

I have always been curious and slightly put off by the person who has an overflowing abundance of "friends". I believe that all relationships- friendship in particular take work. As we grow older distance and many other circumstances will push our friends farther and farther away. It is up to us to maintain these friendships through correspondence and from time to time put aside our own lives to hear about someone else's. With countless friends how do you possibly keep those relationships at a viable existence? And without a viable existence what is the point of having such a plethora of friends? I don't have this problem. I have a handful of remarkable women whom I call real friends. I have carefully selected them like ripe produce from the vine. Pristine, colorful and radiant; all unique from each other, and from me. So what brings us together? Why do we get along so well? The Answer: We are all pieces of each other. They are all, pieces of me.

When I moved to Houston it was an absolute whirlwind. The months leading up to my departure were all so surreal. I was just going on a little trip, and everything else would stay the same: the people I loved, the places I used to go...but not really. The difference would be that I wouldn't be there. I had needed to make a break for it for a long time, and leaving New York wasn't sad at all; at least not at the time. I always thought the people in my life needed me. I worried about my family and friends (my mother in particular, because she happens to be my best friend of all), and thought about how their lives would be different with me not there. Would they care? Would they miss me? Would they find a pseudo "Kim" to take my place? I look back on these thoughts and realize how extremely narcissistic they are. I'm appalled by myself and my arrogant thoughts. Not once did I contemplate how I would feel not having them. Now that things have slowed down a bit I can no longer deny the constant feeling of emptiness that is with me.

As humans we are always striving toward self-actualization. It is a life-long mission to find ourselves through our work, hobbies, places we live, places we visit, food we eat etc. For me its always been about looking outward; beyond my roots and connections I was born into and making something of my own. Redefinition for definition always seems to be the end goal. I am not sure where this desire to have something just for me resonates from, and in reality its no doubt a bit selfish. I never thought that anyone could help me find myself. Understanding who I am, and my place amongst my surroundings has always been a one-woman battle. Now, I am starting to realize it's ok to look to family and friends in hope of catching their reflection. We are all such complex individuals, with complex minds and desires. The world is so big and awesome that we are often overwhelmed by its pure existence. There are so many possibilities how do we decide what we want to make of it all? Since leaving home, and all the people I care about most I finally see the bigger picture. I have spent years looking past everything that made me me in search of something that was right in front of me the whole time. My family of course, but my friends more so now- they are what make me special and complete.

I may not have the time to be everything I dream about being, but through them and their lives I feel fulfilled. We are blossoming in different ways and its a beautiful thing to see.

My Blog Beginning

In my opinion, the beginning of a story is always the most exciting. You never know what might be in store. Endings are sad. We all know this. But the meat, the things that we remember, and hold on to are in the middle. I think that is where I am now. I have past the beginning stages and am at a turning point where things are going to rush to a whole new level.

When I was little and pictured my life, and what it might look like I am pretty sure it was not even close to what is actually taking place. No one prepares you for life's little nuances. You look around and see everyone you know living in what seems to be their picture perfect world. But they too, have their fair share of heartaches, and obstacles to overcome. As children we don't experience this. At least most don't. We live in a carefree world of playing outside, best friends, riding the school bus etc. and our only fear is our homework due and what to wear the next day. And all of that is such a BIG DEAL.

There have been many times in the past when I could only see what lay 10 feet in front of me. I was living in the moment. Truly. I had the ability to take one thing at a time and not worry about what was to come after. For a while that has not been the case. Life is coming at me full force, and now it seems like a big blur of multi-tasking, planning, and jeez if I can fit it in to my schedule, predicting the future! Sometimes it is just down right overwhelming. As a young woman in a big new city, I am starting to document the trials and tribulations of being a young adult. All the petty irritants that make you see red and drive you bananas in the day-to-day. And because you take the bad with the good- all the really great stuff too. The things that make you cry because you've never seen something that beautiful, or just the simple appreciation of being on this great earth. Life isn't always Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows, but sometimes it is.